Monday, January 4, 2010

So this is the new year...

...And I don't feel any different
The clanking of crystal
Explosions off in the distance

I hope everyone had a nice New Years and NYE.  I woke up on Friday morning (hungover, meh) expecting to feel, well, different.  2009 was such a bad year for me and I have such high hopes for 2010, that I woke up thinking everything would be better.  That all my "problems" would just disappear.  Well, that didn't happen.  And the problems are still here.  More than ever.  Which disappoints me.  Everyone around me is so happy; so ready to start their new year.  And i'm not.  I don't even want to be writing this right now because I feel like all I do on my blog is complain.  Or whine.  But at the same time I need to vent.  I might even disable comments because I am NOT, in any way, looking for an ounce of sympathy.  Nor am I looking for "things will get better" comments.  Because frankly, I don't want to hear it. 

I feel like I am at an all time low right now.  To the point where I am starting to distance myself from friends.  And that scares me.  I don't even want to talk to anyone about what's bothering me.  Mostly because I'm not even sure myself what's wrong.  I just know, that something isn't right.  I'm sick of going to sleep sad.  I'm sick of being SO upset that I make myself physically sick.  To the point where I have not been to the gym in weeks and I still have managed to lose weight.  My aniexty is going crazy.  Feeling alone has got to be one of the single worst feelings ever.  Physically I know I am not alone.  But mentally, there's no one there.  All I want to do is sleep all day.  Which is what I spent most of my time off from work doing.  I slept until 3pm, sometimes later.  That's not normal.  Nor is it healthy. 

I wish I could turn my brain off once in a while.  That I could stop worrying.  That I could allow myself to be happy.  Because A) I fucking deserve it and B) things could always be worse.  Unfortunetly, it's not that simple.  No one ever said life was easy.  However, they also never said it could be this hard.  Life is a drain.  It's become an inconvenience at times.  But like I've said in previous posts, I'm not giving up.  I know that with time things will start to get better.  That the sunrise is just over that hill.  It's this inbetween time, that kills me.


EDIT: I wish I were able to attend this in Orlando on Jan. 9th.

4 comments:

  1. All I have to say is I love you, and read my blog tomorrow.
    I think we are going through the exact same thing... makes my tummy sick to think that someone else has to feel the way I do. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. *Hugs*

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  2. You're such a sweetheart, Ams. I'm sorry you're feeling this way too because for lack of better words, it fucking sucks. But we're strong, so I know we'll make it out okay. Love you!

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  3. 2009 was the year of oppression...enjoy this year and treat yourself to some fun!

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  4. Yes yes, fun. That's what I need for sure.

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